Silence in the Heavens

When I was little, my Sunday School teacher taught a lesson on prayer that really impacted me. Part of the lesson involved scriptures from John 14:13-14

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. 

There was more to the lesson than that verse, but those words were the essence that stuck with me and really affected me. I felt excited and empowered to know that God listened and He cared about my needs. Even more so, he would grant my requests! And I knew exactly what I wanted to pray for first.

My favorite uncle - who was very sweet and kind and attentive to me, was facing sentencing for theft. I didn't know anything about his case, since I was only 7 years old, but I knew I loved my uncle. And I now knew that God would hear my plea. So I got on my knees and asked God to spare him jail time. I told God I was willing to take the punishment instead - that he could make me very sick instead of punishing my uncle. I was completely confident that this would happen, given what I had been taught.

The next day, I had excruciating stomach cramps and uncontrollable vomiting.

On the way to the emergency room, I meekly told my mother that I knew why I was sick. I explained what I had prayed for and excitedly told her that uncle Rick would NOT be going to jail since God was obviously answering my prayer. I figured she'd be a little mad, since she had been cleaning up my vomit all day and now faced a long wait at the hospital. Instead she cried. She told me God had not made me sick in order to save my uncle. That God didn't work that way.

The next day, my uncle went to jail.

It was the beginning of a long road of confusion and frustration about understanding the will of God and my role in it.

Not to be discouraged, the next week I gave it another shot. I had an old rusty embarrassment of a bicycle and could simply not bear to be seen riding it any more. So I asked God if He would help me as I worked to earn enough money to buy a new one. Then I went to town. I tried selling "Pet Rocks" in front of my house. I asked mom and grandma for extra chores. I sold my doll collection and asked if I could have a yard sale. In the end I had a whopping $14 and no idea how to raise the rest. There are only so many income earning opportunities for kid, after all.

When I shared my confusion with my mom she once again said this was not the kind of thing to pray for. She explained that God wants our prayers to align with His will, and when we seek Him first, it becomes second nature to want what He wants. And that's when we see extraordinary answers to prayer.

Okay. I was quickly realizing that this whole thing was turning out to be a lot more challenging than my 7 year old brain could wrap itself around. And from then on, my prayers were timid and uncertain.  I wanted to share my life with God, but it seemed he wasn't hearing me or that he wasn't interested.  And that hurt.  After awhile, I sort of gave up, deciding that it was better not to pray at all than to be slapped in the face with the seeming reality that this God I loved so deeply just didn't care.

Since then, I have heard all measure of sermons on prayer. And apparently I am still just as confused as ever. Because today I struggle once again. Asking God to help me as I seek out ways to pay for Dylan's needs. The summer program we have put together will cost thousands more than we are currently paying for therapy. That does not including medical, homeopathic, dietary or supplement costs. We pulled it off last year, but this year the savings envelope is empty.  With Kindergarten around the corner, I feel like this is a crucial summer for Dylan and the worst possible time to let up on our goals. I feel like every bit of this program is essential and am unwilling to give up a single thing.

On the other hand, my oldest is graduating and going off to college so there are some real expenses with him. I am literally at a place where I must choose between children. I am not asking for money to fall from the sky. I am asking for doors to be open as my husband and I pound the pavement looking for more income.

Yet all is silent in the heavens.

And I am left to wonder why this request would not align with the will of God. We ask for the opportunity to work for what Dylan needs.  Along with our prayer, we actively seek it.  This God who loves our son more than we do...How could this not be in His will?  He sees our hearts.  He knows our desires and our intentions.  We only want the hope of a future for our son.  And we are most willing to work for it. 

But still silence.

In all the autism research, there are lists upon lists of things I could do to help my child if I had the income.  Hyperbaric Chambers.  Stem Cell Therapy.   More ABA and verbal behavior.  There is so much more I could ask for.  But I just want our modest summer program to proceed.  I am asking for much, yes.  But I am not asking for everything.  I only want to honor this child that He gave me by doing everything I can for him.  How could He not be on board with that?

I can't help but be angry at the silent heavens.  Spitting mad.  God, you can be silent for me, a sinner.  But Dylan is pure and beautiful and perfect.  He is Your child.  How can you turn away?  Why do you not hear me?