My Quiver Full...

Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them. 
Psalm 127:3-5


I've been having the strangest dreams lately...

A few weeks ago, I dreamed I had a kid that I forgot about. I was walking through the house and this little girl with pigtails ran past me.

I was like,
"who is that?"
"oh, yeah! It's my kid!"

I have no such little girl by the way. At least not one that I remember (LOL).  My only daughter is 11 years old and would not be caught dead in pigtails. But since I have 5 kids, I guess my subconscious is telling me that I am very worried about my other four kids and what they might be missing as we pour ourselves into Dylan.

Then last night I dreamed that my oldest son lost his legs in a lawnmower accident. I don't know how that's even possible, but in the dream it made perfect sense. I couldn't afford to buy him a wheelchair and so he was dragging himself everywhere with his hands. Yeah, that one was terrible. Probably too terrible to share, but here I am sharing it anyway.

I woke up in a panic and told my husband that we need to cut back on Dylan's therapy so we can put aside some money for emergencies. He agreed.

But when the therapists got here, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, I look into that little face and I know that he needs this. I know that without it he may not have a promising future. And I just can't bring myself to do it.

Dylan and daddy

I am torn. Totally, completely, utterly at a loss. When I ask for advice, people just say "you're the mom, you know what's best". But I don't. Not this time.  This time, it feels like I am choosing between saving for a possible emergency vs. an unencumbered sprint toward the hope of Dylan's future. How do you choose?

I have always said there is no such thing as a moral dilemma. That if you believe in God, you can't possibly believe in moral dilemmas. He gives you one choice that is a moral certainty and one that is a moral uncertainty and you choose the one that is certain and trust him with the other.

But this. This is two moral uncertainties. Will Dylan be okay with less therapy? I don't know.  Will my other children be okay if we don't have a savings? I don't know. Should I cut back on therapy and increase biomedical interventions?  I don't know.  Should I cut back on therapy and try homeopathy?
I.
Don't.
Know.

Already my children are sacrificing.  Already they forgo summer vacations and new clothes and dinners out.  My daughter had a classmate tell her that she can tell her parents didn't go to college because of how she was dressed (we did, btw).  And she doesn't dress in rags.  Just jeans and a tee or sweater - not extraordinary hip or stylish but her clothes are pressed and she is presentable.  I still have the urge to lurk in the parking lot of the school and wait for this little girls parents to pull up so I can rip them a new one.  I can't imagine a sixth grader could come up with something like that unless a message of superiority and judgement is part of her home life.  Someone should give them an earful.  But I know it wouldn't make things better for my daughter, so I won't do it.  For now, I will try to be content with the fact that God is handling this.  I can only offer Him my humble suggestion that if he has a lightning storm a'comin and those parents happen to be outside, well...
Just a thought.

Too harsh?
Well this is my daughter after all. And I do tend to be a bit protective. Okay maybe nix the struck by lightning idea. How about striking their cable box with lightning so they are doomed to watch network television. Muwaaahaaahaaa!!!

Anyhoo...

Today as I have been struggling with this dilemma, I found a completed school assignment in my son's room (my 2nd youngest child - shown above).  It was called "The Joshua Times" and was a paper all about him.  Since one of the questions was about his summer vacation, I sat down to read, expecting him to be embarrassed or upset that he didn't really have one.  We stayed home most every day in order to save money, and the highlights for him were trips to the dollar tree and an occasional Target visit. So expecting the worst, I started to read. Here is what he said:

Last summer was so amazing because I played video games a lot.  I stayed home with my family for 104 days and it was awesome.  I enjoyed hanging out with my family.  We always watched tv and there are lots of decorations.  I also loved playing with my legos because you can build anything.  It is awesome and they even come with little people.  It was the best summer ever.

This is the picture he drew of his summer vacation.

All I can say is wow. I am continually amazed that God gives me little affirmations throughout my life when I need them the most. If I would have read this paper a month ago, it wouldn't have meant nearly as much as it did today. Today, I needed this. Today, I needed to know that my kids are okay. They are happy. They are appreciative of the little things that they do have. Thank you, Lord.

{NOTE: Yes, he did play a lot of video games, and no - I am not particularly proud of that. I will add though, that he rode his bike, camped out in a tent in the back yard, built things in the garage with extra scraps of wood and had sleepovers with the neighbor kids every week. I also had lots of craft and baking projects with them, but apparently, the highlight for him was the video games. Sigh.}

As for the other kids, my oldest (above) is a senior in high school and has been accepted to Texas Tech. He has a nice savings account that is 100% his own earnings and will pay for his housing next year. He comes home each day and studies, or applies for scholarships. He is on a good path.

My middle child is Evan (above). I've always worried that he would get lost in the shuffle of a big family so ever since he was little, I have whispered in his ear that he is my special gift from God. And he is. Gentle, caring and appreciative, he is famous for saying "this was the best _____ ever!". Best Christmas, best birthday, best Halloween. Best anything. He is always so very grateful and content.

My only daughter is a tomboy extraordinaire. Of all my kids, she has the greatest tendency to see the glass half empty (like her mom). Maybe it's a girl thing. But God has blessed her with a heart the size of Texas and a best friend who shares nearly every weekend with her. This friend has very nice parents who include my daughter in many of their fun family outings. They shop. They bake. They sing karaoke. They play pranks on her brothers. So even though she doesn't have much fun here at home, she doesn't miss out on much. And she is most a compassionate soul. No one ever leaves our house without a hug and a bag full of treats from her. Or a homemade duct tape gift. She is beautiful.

I still don't know what the answer is to my savings vs. therapy dilemma. I am still praying. But I do know that today is good. My kids are okay. Today, I don't really have a daughter I forgot about or a son who got run over by a lawnmower. Everyone is good. And I know we are among the blessed to even have the option of saving vs. therapy during a time when so many don't even have a job.

We will figure this whole thing out and try to find a balance. In the meantime, your prayers are most welcomed :)